On the Brink of Death

Dramatic title, much?!?! Ha, I know. But it was a thought I was pondering a few nights ago, just within the first week of my new no social media resolution. We're only 9 days into the new year, but I've already noticed a stabilizing to my mental health. I think one of the biggest components for my anxiety was the feeling of imminent danger/death for every decision I made. In years' past, I too have shared difficult moments in life, often reaching out for support when we lived far from family or friends, on social media; and it was a source of comfort and encouragement when people would respond and reach out. So I do understand the reason people share their stories, the good and the bad. But it seems for me, that I was reaching the point where it felt like everyone, everywhere was sick or dying. {I realize, in the grand scheme of life, we are all dying and it's a fact that someday we all will. But living in constant fear of it is more my point here.} I started layering their stories onto mine. I would put myself in their shoes and wonder how I might respond in such a tragic situation. I would imagine what it would be like to be terminally sick, how would I be feeling? Would I respond well or lose it?

~~~ The homeschool mom who had ovarian cancer for 2 years and fought hard, and found joy in the midst, and died in 2019. ~~~The 7 year old girl who fell off a golf cart and suffered a tragic and traumatic brain injury in August and is still recovering. ~~~The well-known Christian author and mom who went to the hospital with a fever and cough and didn't come back out alive. ~~~The child who was vaccinated and suffered an injury to their brain. ~~~ The mom who found her 3 year old unconscious on the bedroom floor in the middle of the night and resuscitated her and took her to the hospital and found out she had a tumor and then it miraculously healed and then the U.S. required her to continue chemo treatments, so they left the states.~~~ 

There are so many stories. There are so many choices. I believe thoroughly in research, being aware, finding answers, searching for truth. There are choices I've made because other people enlightened me and I am thankful. But some of the day to day choices I was trying to make became almost excruciating... if I feed this food to my children, am I causing them to have a stomachache? And ultimately creating conditions for an autoimmune disease? Which will lead to a shortened life expectancy? My child's teeth are coming in too early... will this lead to dental problems the rest of their life? Do they have so many cavities because I didn't brush their teeth enough? Because I let them have too much sugar? Because I didn't give them enough mineralization? Or because I let the dentist put on fluoride at the last visit? Or because I don't use a toothpaste that is fluoridated?

It's exhausting.

Not only that, but it was keeping me from being present in my own life. To be able to actually SEE the people in my life and assess what was/is best for them in the current moment. To seek God's wisdom in decisions for our family. To trust my own instincts as to knowing what was best for myself and my children.

Upon reflection, this might be one of my biggest break-throughs and one of the best ways I'll be able to heal this year. I have done tons of research, received lots of input, been inspired, encouraged, and informed. Now it's time to sift through what I have received, toss out what isn't needed or doesn't work, and move forward in health, bravery, and faith.

To life... full of sifting and shifting. (I remembered my sign-off without looking back :))

Also, a picture. Naomi is starting to miss a few naps nowadays, so this is how we found her one evening around 7:30 pm...