This third pregnancy has been a lot of things -- a surprise, exhausting, speeding by, a girl, high risk - due to placenta previa, and sometimes, really tough. These last few weeks have come with some obstacles I couldn't imagine having to deal with, until I had to. That Thursday night, as I was rocking Levi to sleep, I was thinking about the fact I had never spent a night without him yet (just as it had been with Zeke before Levi was born) and was pondering how he would deal with it when the time came for Baby Girl to be born. Then as the ambulance was driving me by the New Castle exit around 2 AM that Friday morning I became a bumbling mess as I lay in the stretcher. Knowing the boys would wake up, wondering, "Where is Mommy?"; not knowing when I would get to go home again and hold them; knowing I was leaving them, for other people to care for, when I have been a part of every single day of their lives, for their entire lives. It was heart-wrenching for me and there was nothing I could do except pray for them to understand and be ok.
The next few days were met with varied outlooks from doctors and nurses. As each one came to check in and evaluate me, I would grow desperate, then hopeful, then unsure as they delivered a different "answer" as to what the future held for me and baby girl. I was thankful for the visitors and packages that arrived for me as I lay in my hospital room. Also, for the Facebook messages and posts; friends and family letting me know they were praying for us; phone calls, emails, and text messages. It truly meant so much! A couple of times I thought I might just burst out of the room and run away because I felt trapped and I wasn't home to take care of my boys and the thought of being in a hospital for 6-7 weeks made me want to scream!
As it became more clear that baby girl and I seemed to be stable, more positive outlooks were given, although Jeremiah and I didn't want to get too excited just in case they decided to change their minds. Pregnancy, all of it, is really a lesson which could be titled, "How in Control You Really Aren't" (sorry, that was a terribly formed sentence, but hopefully gets the point across!) Can you even fathom the hundreds of thousands of details that go into forming such a tiny, intricate human being? Body systems, organs, bones, blood, muscles, all must form and develop in an exact way, in perfect order and timing. Add to that the myriad of changes the mother's body goes through to accommodate growing a HUMAN; organs moving out of the way, stretching ligaments and skin, an increase in blood supply, revved up metabolism and those aren't even the annoying things :) And what can I do but eat more, take naps, and pray that everything will come together perfectly and this baby will grow and develop and be healthy.
When it was decided that I would get to go home on Friday, I was met by another onslaught of emotions. First, fear. What if something happens to baby girl once I leave the general safety of the hospital? As well as, jumping up and down (figuratively) with joy to be going home to be with my family again. And lastly, how was I going to manage bed rest for the remainder of this pregnancy? How would we make the boys understand I can't really do anything for them? Would we have enough help that our family would make it intact to the end? At last, Friday arrived and I was overjoyed when I saw my patient and loving husband come through the door to take me to my freedom :)
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| Quite happy when this man arrived to take my things to the car and take me home! |
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| So happy to hug his little body again! |
During the past (almost) 3 weeks I have been required to be silent and still. A difficult feat for me. But it has forced me to reflect. To rest. To ask for help. I have been praying, writing in my journal, and reading my Bible more than usual. At times like this, when I can't understand why life is going differently than I had planned, I cling to and look for truth in God's word. When my human mind gets caught up in the "Why is this happening?" a couple of verses I'm choosing to focus on are:
"The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps." Proverbs 16:9
"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you." Psalm 56:3
There was a great quote I read during my hospital stay that I'm committing to memory. I struggle with every single line. But the truth is freeing and I'm hoping I can find a way to print it out and place it in our home.
"No amount of regret changes the past. No amount of anxiety changes the future. Any amount of grateful joy changes the present." - Ann Voskamp
The concept of daily thankfulness is one we've been trying to make a habit for our entire family over the past several months. Each day, usually at dinner time, we take turns sharing something we are thankful for that day. We wanted to start this for the boys at a young age, and it is a great practice for Jeremiah and I as well, as I feel adults can be more cynical and miss the small things that you can be grateful for each day, when you don't try to look for them. We typically start with Zeke and he'll give one of a few answers, but occasionally he'll surprise us with a new answer and it gives me great joy to watch him truly reflect on what he is saying and come up with a response. Levi goes next, always waiting patiently for his turn. We ask and he smiles and points to his plate. It is precious to me and I'm glad that he seems to be grasping the concept in his own way. We have many things to be grateful for even in these past weeks that have gone differently than what we expected. Some include:
- during the entire ordeal, Baby Girl's heart rate, oxygen, and activity levels remained normal indicating she wasn't under any stress!
- I passed my 3 hour glucose test!
- I haven't had any more bleeding, although I will remain on bed rest for the duration of the pregnancy to do our best to prevent it from happening again.
- my doctor appointments have gone well the past two weeks I have been home. Everything is looking normal and Baby Girl's growth is right on track!
- barring any unforeseen circumstances, we will be meeting our daughter in late August!
- our friends and family have stepped in to help out around the house, with the boys, and given Jeremiah a break from having to complete all of his regular duties plus most of mine!
Another article I read during my hospital stay seemed written just for me. From Proverbs 31 Ministries:
Change has a way of swirling in and around our lives. Just when we adjust, like a squirming toddler, life refuses to stay still. We finally think we’ve gotten control, when chaos erupts again. One activity stops while two are added. And whether we like the new that’s come, or wish we could run and hide, our feelings don’t change the inevitable.
Facing another change, and handling it well, requires a woman of character. Change requires traits I feel like I haven’t fully mastered and so I tend to think, I’m just not patient. I can’t be kind.
But maybe, just maybe, times of transition are God’s way of bringing the change. He just might be setting up this opportunity for me to grow into the woman He knows I can become.
I’m learning I can allow the pressure of transition to transform me. I can permit the rain and the sunshine in my life to grow His fruit in me … the kind described in today’s key verse from Galatians 5: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
Every day we are becoming something different. The question is, Who are we becoming? During the planting, watering and weeding of change, if we will be diligent and faithful during each season, we’ll see beauty grow in our lives.
As we lean into God, asking for strength through the peace or through the pain, He will make us into the women He’s intended for us to become: Women becoming God’s definition of beautiful.
-
Lynn Cowell
I feel like this post has been discombobulated, but perhaps that's a truer reflection of life, it doesn't always flow as smooth as you hope for; the pieces don't always fall into place the way you expect, but as a friend reminded me, none of this has taken God by surprise. His plan for my life, for baby girl, and our family is perfect. What we can do is join hands, love one another and take each day, one step at a time, choosing to be grateful in the process. I hope you enjoyed this small snippet into our lives and that you might take time to pray for Baby Girl, my family, and I over the next 5+ weeks as we wait patiently and hopefully grow stronger and more united as a soon-to-be family of FIVE!
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| Baby Girl's Profile |
To life... full of the unexpected and finding joy in everything!
