Mommy in the Making

Last Saturday I had a breakdown. Like... I was rocking trying to rock Zeke to sleep and he was just staring at me and I realized he wasn't going to sleep and I just started to cry. I stood there and cried. I sat down and I cried. I put him in his swing and stood in the shower and cried. I was able to calm down some and formed a new plan for the rest of the night in my mind, I started by setting Zeke on the bed went to the other room and heard *boom!* as he fell off the bed and hit his head and he cried. Then my sister called me and I cried some more...

Internal dialogue. I have lots of it. Just the other day I realized that it feels like I do have an angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. I go back and forth and excruciate myself over details, which way is better, the pros and cons of a decision. I think it stems from my need to be perfect. And it's exhausting. I feel like I need all possible information to make a decision, but in the end it just wears me out because instead of looking within to find a solution that fits me and my situation, I look to others and compare and therefore feel like I'm never measuring up. 

Let me get to the crux of why I'm writing this post... I'm a mom now and instead of enjoying myself (not that I haven't) I've taken the fun out of having a baby by my constant comparisons, reading all sorts of books, and not listening to my instincts. I honestly feel like I was doing better until these past couple of months. They have been considerably difficult for me. I have the fear that if I do the wrong thing I'm going to mess Zeke up for the rest of his life. But here's the problem... I can't figure out what the "right" thing is!! Recently I've been doubting my ability to get Zeke to sleep. I feel like I've tried everything: rocking, bouncing, patting, standing and walking, holding him with me on the couch, laying with him on the bed, using his swing, nursing him, leaving him in his crib and walking away, putting him in his crib and sitting on the other side so he can see me... and all the while in the back of my mind is a little voice saying, "Nope you're doing it wrong. If you rock him, he's going to always want to be rocked. If you let him cry, he's going to form attachment issues." I told a friend the other day that sometimes I wish I hadn't read any books because they make me feel like I'm not measuring up. And because I'm not following their advice my child will not develop correctly, will have learning deficiencies, will be a brat, you name it. And all this does is stress me out to the point of breaking and takes all the joy away from having a 9 month old. And to top it off, I add a dollop of guilt because I feel like I can't say anything or ask questions because I feel like people will think I'm complaining and/or I'm ungrateful to have a baby. I'm not! I am so thankful for my sweet wonderful little boy! I know God has truly blessed us with our son. But I do feel alone. Sooo alone! I want to hear the stories from other people that say they were up every 3 hours with their child through the first 2 years of their life. Why? Because if they made it, I know I can too. I want to hear the stories of the moms who nursed their child to sleep because they enjoyed it so much. Why? Because then I don't feel so alone. I want to hear stories from other moms who can't get their children to go to bed before 9 pm or fall asleep holding their child in the rocking chair in the middle of the night or don't take two naps a day even when they're 6 months old. I feel embarrassed to say that I rock my child to sleep every night or that he's not in bed by a certain time every night. And why? Because when I hear other parents talk about doing things differently I always assume what I'm doing is wrong. What if their way is better? What if my way cripples Zeke emotionally? (It is torture being inside this mind of mine!!) 

So how do I move beyond this guilt and worry and fear? Slowly. I am an advocate of trusting your Mommy instincts, but recently I haven't been following my own advice. I must choose to do this again. I need to believe that I do know my child better than a book or another parent. I need to remember to rely on God's grace both towards me as an individual but also as a new parent. I want to make being a parent fun again. I also must realize that this will not change what others think of me. There will always be a well-meaning (or sometimes not so well-meaning) parent who says my way is wrong, but I'm going to have to put on my big girls pants and stand up for myself and my decisions. Oooh, there it is. It's hard for me to do that. I always put myself on the back burner and want to please everyone else even if it means that what I think gets lost in the process. There seems to be no better time to make this change then now, so here we go. Another life lesson I am in the process of wrapping my mind around, believing, and carrying out. 

To life... full of internal dialogue (it's too quiet without it!) :0)