Before I had Baby Z I had sort of decided not to worry about reading books about sleeping routines, patterns, etc. because I am the type of person who if I make a plan, I'm going to do everything I can to follow through and make it happen. I also knew babies can be unpredictable. They don't always follow a plan or routine you set for them. So instead of setting myself up for getting frustrated with a precious baby who didn't follow the plan I had created, I decided, no, I'm going to just relax and when he's tired let him sleep.
The past few weeks (as you know from last week's post), I started reading "Babywise" and now "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child." And as a result, I started *sort of* freaking out because Baby Z was and is not getting the 16+ hours both books and several people have said that babies need. So between both books I started trying to abide by the "1-2 hours of wakefulness" and tried to get Baby Z to sleep at certain increments throughout the day. Much to my frustration (and his too) we would spend an hour plus rocking, bouncing, singing, humming, etc., our strong wills colliding in a match that left both of us crying and more tired than when we started. What was I doing wrong? Why weren't things going according to the books' plans? Both books gave stories and snippets of families working on their babies' sleep habits. So I wanted to follow in their footsteps exactly. Creating even more frustration for me. I just don't feel ready to do the cry it out method. I feel like he is still too young and I want to create as much confidence and trust between us as possible. I understand that it is perfectly ok for babies to cry and sometimes they actually need the emotional release. So from time to time, if I am frustrated with his reluctance to sleep or just need to get something done, I don't feel bad about laying him safely in his crib or bassinet and letting him cry for a bit while I gather myself or complete a short task. But I feel like I would like to wait several more weeks before I let him cry it out in order to sleep at night. Should I make myself feel bad for this decision? I mean, I've read plenty of stories of parents who did this and it was successful. So does that mean I'm not giving my child a fair chance of being an independent, self-soothing sleeper?
I am finally telling myself, and believing the answer is no. So what? My baby wants me to hold him more and rock him more and cuddle. Do I really want to give that precious time up already?!? No. I want to cherish this time when I can look him in the eyes and tell him I love him. When I can feel his body relax on mine when he finally eases to sleep. When we can nap together on the couch, with his little body close to mine. When we rock and he coos at me and gives me huge smiles. Why would I want to trade that already for him crying alone in his crib while I sit on the couch and listen and cringe? I realize some people will probably not agree with me. And I know that that's ok. Parents will always have different strategies, plans, and hopes for their children. I think more than anything, what I need to do is make a decision with my husband, and then, together, go forward with our plan with consistency. Because that IS what babies, toddlers, and children need. Consistency. I believe if they know what to expect, they will be able to trust their parents. If we are consistent with Baby Z he will feel secure and our home will be happy and full of love. I know that soon enough I will be missing these moments of holding and cuddling because he will want to be his only little person. He will have a mind of his own. He will want to spend time with his friends and not always his mommy. So yes, I think I will hold my baby a little longer and rock him a little more. Maybe he won't be falling asleep in his crib as early as some babies, but he will before we know it.
It is hard for me to trust myself and think I'm good enough to make decisions for myself, much less decisions for another little human. I like to get other peoples' opinions and compare, compare, compare. On one hand, it is great to talk to other moms and get their tips and advice on what things have worked for raising their little ones, but what I tend to forget is that I can do this too. I don't have to follow a book or use the exact same methods as another mother. Sure, they provide good guidelines and help me to better understand what Z might be needing at this stage in his life. But just like all of us, he is an individual with particular needs and personality traits. So here I go, doubling my resolve and deciding here and now that I can be a good mother to Zeke. I do (usually) know what he needs and I know how to provide those things for him. Yes, I will make mistakes and not always do or say the right thing. But I will also love and care for him so much that when those mistakes are made I don't have to dwell on them and let them bring me down. I can move on knowing that everyone makes mistakes and the best thing we can do is learn from them!
To life... full of trusting my *new* motherly instincts.
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